“What if I’ve made a mistake to come here?” I whispered to God as I paced my balcony.
The rooftops of Seoul, South Korea, stretched out before me. A blinking neon cross on a nearby church reminded me of the many prayers I had poured out over the past year asking God where he wanted me to be. To my surprise, a mere month previous, God had opened a door for me to teach English at a Christian language school in South Korea. In spite of the complications and restrictions of the COVID-19 pandemic, everything fell quickly into place for me to move overseas. Surely God was leading me!
However, after I arrived in Korea, quarantine proved to be the perfect time for anxieties to rise. I was confined to an apartment for a few days, and as I waited, my mind filled with doubts and fears. What if I struggled to learn the new language? What if making friends was hard? What if teaching was exhausting? What if I felt like a failure? What did I really have to offer here in Korea, anyway? My “what if” list grew rapidly!
After quarantine, I started some classroom observation in preparation to begin my teaching assignment. As I interacted with the students and teachers, I was excited—this was really happening! Then, I met a worker who was getting ready to leave the country. According to her, I was heading into a concrete jungle with unpleasant accommodation, an overwhelming workload, and unsupportive administration. Fear wrapped around me again.
What if I’ve made a mistake, God? I prayed once more. What have you led me into? Is this going to turn out to be everything I didn’t want?
I knew I could wallow in my fears or I could honestly turn them over to God. I took out a pen a wrote a letter to myself.
Dear Future Lynette,
In this moment, excitement is beginning to give way to nerves. You had a little meltdown last night, fearful (like the Israelites at the Red Sea) that God has somehow led you into a trap. You are fighting to hold onto trust and hope.
Still, there’s a verse that comes to mind: “You parents—if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not! So if you know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.” (Matthew 7:9–11, NLT)
Today, then, you’re deciding to take God at His Word and stop expecting Him to give you snakes and stones.
With that choice to trust God and move forward in spite of my fears, I discovered that God really was able to give me good gifts. I met wonderful people, including, to my great surprise, my now-husband. I was lavished with love as I taught kindergarten. I traveled, learned, and grew.
That didn’t mean that teaching and living in Korea was always easy, though. I struggled with language barriers, culture shock, and exhausting expectations at times. Many of my “what ifs” did, in fact, come to pass—but I found that God met me in those moments with his “even if.”
Even if I had some tough classes, with students that made me question my ability to teach and do mission, God reminded me that nothing I did for him would be wasted (1 Corinthians 15:58).
Even if there were moments when I felt out of place, God showed me that he could use my unique background, personality, and talents for his glory (1 Corinthians 12).
Even if I had dark nights where I sobbed out my loneliness and worries, God demonstrated that he could provide for my needs, including community, and even go beyond my expectations (Psalm 68:6; Ephesians 3:20).
Even if I didn’t always feel like I was “good enough,” God taught me that my mistakes did not affect my worth or my belovedness (Jeremiah 31:3).
Even if I felt uncertain about how my work in Korea would ultimately play out, I knew that God was with me and that he was calling me to base my courage on his character of goodness and grace (Psalm 56:3; Psalm 147:11).
In fact, discovering that God could meet my fearful “what ifs” with his comforting and empowering “even ifs” was one of his biggest gifts to me in Korea.
Now, when I remember my anxious younger self, pacing on the balcony and wondering if she made a mistake, or when I look back over the struggles and adventures of the past five years, I can gratefully say with the psalmist, “The Lord is my shepherd . . . Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me . . . Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life” (Psalm 23:1–6 NLT).
How has God responded to your fearful “what ifs” before? What “even if” could he be speaking to you now?
