I logged onto my blog after months of silence to find it gone. All of the content. Gone. This feels like my life right now so I have to chuckle. It’s a theme currently.
I look around at my home in surprise. We moved in a couple of months before our son was born. Hard to believe that was nearly two years ago now. In the first year I managed to paint the deep golden walls of the kitchen a bright teal. It makes me happy, plain and simple. Not much else has changed though. Finances have been tight and there have been numerous frustrations that haven’t allowed a whole lot of wiggle room in the budget.
This home has meant more than painted walls and family photos hanging. Our living room windows are large and flood the space with light. We peek out on the hill behind our home and deer trod the ridge line. Friends come over and they comment on the peacefulness of our little plot of land, a peace I am surprised it reflects because I find my own heart to be full of landmines. A mom-friend texts on a Tuesday afternoon to ask if she can share a cup of tea and a shoulder for a bit because the two year old hasn’t napped and life is pressing in hard. I get it and she comes over. My space has become a place for peace.
I find myself worrying ahead of time about what I might have to give up or about never getting to go anywhere again. When will we have to move? When will we have to walk away from relationships? What if we never go anywhere again? We did it for so long and it was second nature to us. It felt odd, like a baby giraffe learning to walk for the first time, to put down even shallow roots. It’s been 20 months and I live in this limbo of wanting to run and wanting to stay forever.
It is the rub of what is, what may be and what will never be again. I long for all of those things simultaneously and my heart is a restless beast. I know Jesus wasn’t discontent. He was fully accepting of His Father’s will, but when people pressed hard against him with their questioning and their we-just-don’t-get-you attitude don’t you think He looked forward to Kingdom come? He looked ahead to all their questions being answered once and for all. For the Gospel to come to full fruition. Maybe Kingdom come was all He thought about?
I find my hands clenched. Fearful of all the could be taken away and all that can’t stay forever. If I believe, I mean really believe deep in my bones, that every bit of this is for my good and the Father’s glory, why can’t I just open my white knuckles a bit? Can’t I trust the unexpected and even the unwanted, as a locomotive for good in my life; a moving forward into all that God wants to do in me and through me?
Maybe our discontent is a call to be content in one thing: Kingdom come. God is making all things new. He is taking the broken bits and one day, not so far off to an eternal God, He will restore, and all the heartbreaking and soul bursting bad and good of this world will come down to one thing. Jesus.
In the midst of all of this discontent I can say one thing. I have fallen in love with Jesus afresh. He is tender and gentle with this rough around the edges heart of mine. He is an arrow of truth that speaks to the deep places. He is a lover who claims me as His own and ravishes me with love. This is not a story that has an end.
Some day we will move. These teal walls will be painted over in lieu of a more broadly appealing neutral because the realtor said to do it. Maybe that is near or perhaps years and years from now when my daughter is in the midst of picking out prom dresses and my son has finished his last year of little league and I no longer wear skinny jeans and flannel shirts. Wherever on the timeline it falls I know Jesus will be there infusing His radical Kingdom into my common-place day. In that I am sure and in that I dare to be content.
Do you find it hard to be content with where God has you?