This is what I desire these days of seeking and hoping for healing of my own brokenness: I want to be healed. I want to desire God. I want to WANT TO again. What gets in the way?
Let’s see…I could blame my kids. They’re always running around acting like wild animals, and I feel like I don’t have any brain cells left to even think about deep things like desiring God. Then there’s technology and social media with its shiny promises of the instant gratification of numbing my anxiety about my own life by being in the know about who sent their kids to school today and what they had for dinner. Then, instead of desiring God, I’m desiring a hamburger and a different life. My to-do list could be a culprit. Who’s got time to sit around seeking Him first when I’ve got fifty things to think about doing today?
When I’m not feeling it…not desiring God…I want to listen to the voice that says “give up, run & hide, it’s not worth it, you’re unloved.”
But I’m reminding myself that nothing is ever quite like it seems. The people I’m comparing myself to don’t have it all figured out, aren’t as confident in real life as they are on the internet.
Desiring God seems like such a lofty notion and my answer feels too simple to say “Yes, I’m actually doing that today.” But I am. I have a deep sense that we wouldn’t be able to be here and do what we do (any of us…anywhere…) without His ever-present help because we always seem to be in need. I sense his angels around my children, his hand aligning my paths and His Spirit whispering encouragement, even when I’m not trying that hard to hear it.
The bare bones of desiring God is being mindful of God, wanting His presence to be with me all day and caring about what He wants and what He’s about. And I know He’s all about loving us. And I’m graced by His sustaining Spirit when I make the effort to pay attention, waking up each morning truly wanting to see his glory in my life somehow, whether it’s in the shape of a perfectly unique snowflake on my glove on a gloomy winter day or in the lifting of a dark mood after pouring out my heart with ink on paper that turns to thanksgiving.
But sometimes it feels like chasing the sunset, stumbling upon his glory when I least expect it…driving home from an unplanned errand, looking into the rearview and noticing the most dazzling, intricately painted sky, like it was put there just for me to notice it. Other times, I have to seek out the sunset…intentionally planning my day just right and climbing up a mountain for a good spot to see the glory. And the reward is sweet.
It can also feel like holding on to the front porch while a tornado blows the rest of my house away. When the cyclone winds finally settle, I look around and realize I didn’t need all that stuff anyway. A blank slate can be a relief and God gives it to me as a good gift, a chance to start again, a new heart with which to desire Him.
God wants to be desired, so we can pray “Lord, I’m not feeling it right now, and I don’t know how to even find the motivation to want to desire you, but I know you’re with me always and you’ll never forsake me. I know you can work miracles in my heart and give me the desire to desire you!” And I think that’s the best thing!
There’s nothing flowery or ground-breaking or mind-boggling here today, only plain and simple stuff. But isn’t that where we often find Jesus? Among the ordinary bread and wine of the day? I pray you’re able to ask for the longing to long after him if you’re trapped in a place of doubting you still have the ability to desire God. He’s the lifter of our heads, the lover of our souls and He’s always there to lead you on.
What does your daily grind of desiring God look like today?