I might sound weird to say I have loved the posts this week. Part of my call overseas has been to walk with people through crises. Let me tell you, I did not anticipate this when I arrived on the field. I thought I was called to an ethnic group of people and would reach them through a certain type of relationship.
In truth I was and am. But that turned out to be a sub-call.
Here’s what I learned after walking with people – men, women, children, singles, married, families – through crisis. Overt crises are better supported than inner ones. We know what to do with a broken body or a death in the family or a visa problem. We might not like them and I do not mean to minimize the pain and heartache of any situation. A crisis is a crisis after all.
But what do we do with those internal crises?
You know your marriage is in trouble.
You begin to wonder if you even believe any more.
It turns out you don’t like the people or the country you’re living in.
You have a child you clash with and wonder what life without him or her would be like.
You find yourself attracted to someone you never thought you would be attracted to (be that a married man you’re not married to, an unbeliever, or another woman).
No matter what you do or how hard you pray, the finances are not coming in and you may need to leave the field.
The location you live in is not a good fit for you or a member of your family, while others thrive there. Leaving you to wonder what is God doing?
You have prayed and prayed for a husband and now wonder if you are going to have to choose between being on the field or being married.
You are experiencing a leadership crisis – either as a leader or a follower under poor leadership.
How many disappointments from God can you take before something inside you breaks? Sure, you won’t actually walk away from the faith, but you feel a bit duped and know you’re not as “all in” as you once were.
You want to leave the field, but after all these years, what kind of job can you get “back home”? And you wonder is this the pay-off for a life of service, feeling cheated by God.
Others get to grandparent your grandkids and you want to return to your home country, but your husband has never been more fulfilled.
Some part of your life is no longer in a healthy state – be it finances, your health, substance abuse, internet use, anger management, family relations – and you worry daily it will come to light. And you secretly hope it does, as its power has grown.
What do we do when it might not be obvious we are in crisis? Even this week I had two crises (one I will probably share soon and one I won’t).
As I have been praying over and thinking about this post, I read Numbers 11 and 12. Go God in his good timing. I love it when a passage of scripture takes me right to the heart of what I’ve been thinking about. In these chapters Moses had a leadership crisis, a semi-theological crisis, and a family crisis.
Listen to this:
He [Moses] asked the Lord, “Why have you brought this trouble on your servant? What have I done to displease you that you put the burden of all these people on me? Did I conceive all these people? Did I give them birth? Why do you tell me to carry them in my arms, as a nurse carries an infant, to the land you promised on oath to their ancestors? Where can I get meat for all these people? They keep wailing to me, ‘Give us meat to eat!’ I cannot carry all these people by myself; the burden is too heavy for me. If this is how you are going to treat me, please go ahead and kill me—if I have found favor in your eyes—and do not let me face my own ruin.” (Numbers 11:11-15)
Boom. Now we’re talking Moses. I seriously doubt this passage will the next popular tattoo or printable art or up for scripture tea bag material. But maybe it should be.
While there is nothing more annoying in a crisis than a simplistic formula, Numbers 11 and 12 do offer a pattern.
1. Cry out to God.
2. He will provide help. Often in unexpected and unconventional ways.
These two chapters reminded me God wants our honest response to what we are experiencing. He can handle it. He can walk through it with you. He will provide people to walk with you. He won’t always remove it, but he won’t abandon you. I realize this isn’t the kind of post that will generate many comments because what you are facing may be too much to share in such a public forum. Could we do three things today?
1. Could we remember even if it doesn’t feel like it, we have a God who hears. Private crises can be isolating. Spend time today telling God what you are experiencing and why it is a crisis for you. And then tell one more person. The enemy wants you to believe what you are facing is beyond huge, it could be career or faith ending. It’s not. It might be big, but it is not eternal.
2. If you are facing something and it’s not appropriate to share, leave a comment asking for prayer and we, your sisters, will pray for you.
3. If you have a small testimony of a private crisis you have faced and come out of, could you share so that we may borrow some of your faith, peace and hope?
I’m sorry you’re facing this crisis and I pray God has in some small way used this week to minister to you. With love and blessing from the VA team.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
*****
Winners of Expectations and Burnout: Women Surviving the Great Commission have been notified. Thank you to Robynn for donating the paperback copies! I love generous authors :). If you didn’t win, please consider this book an investment in yourself and your calling and buy it! See you Tuesday.
Photo Source : Unsplash
I’ve especially appreciated the posts this week on crisis (and have pinned every one to a private board on Pinterest, so they’re easy to find again). The honest and refreshing perspectives offered by different women have been like balm to my weary soul. It seems like we’ve faced one crisis after another since arriving on the field almost seven years ago. This last one laid me low for months. I was physically, emotionally and spiritually depleted and what you shared about the cry of Moses struck such a chord with me. We see the hand of God in sustaining us through everything that’s happened, and the past couple of weeks it’s been like a huge burden was lifted off our shoulders. There’s a lightness that was missing for too long, and we have a renewed energy for which we are very grateful. Thanks for sharing what you did today. The encouragement I find at VA has been so helpful and healing.
Kim, I’m grateful this week has been valuable enough to bookmark. And isn’t it interesting in a crisis when suddenly a weight is lifted and though nothing on the outside has changed, you know it is different. I meant to add in the post about how foggy the brain can be in a crisis. I find it hard to think and my productivity takes a nose dive! Daily tasks seem a major victory. Thanks for the comment 🙂
Thanks for this, Amy. I hate crisis, my own and everybody else’s. But we live in a broken world where crisis is just part of the deal. Some weeks it feels like the whole deal. Some things, I can look back and recognize what God was doing in the crisis; I can see what it was for, in my own life and in the lives of others. Other things, I have no idea what the purpose might have been–BUT, especially the last few years, I’ve started to be grateful, very weirdly, when the crisis hits. Suffering keeps me soft, it draws me close to God, it makes me love the people around me more. And that’s a purpose I can love, even when I have no idea what the big picture is. It doesn’t stop the pain, AT ALL. But it helps me breathe through it. (I’m doing a Lent series and a bunch of it is turning out to be about suffering, so I linked up above.)
Kay I know what you mean. On one hand, I hate, hate, hate crisis. But on the other hand, it’s like “OK it’s Game Time. Let’s see where this leads.” A bomb was dropped into my life this week. I truly did not see it coming and had house guests at the time (Welcome to the underbelly of life, oh, did you still want to eat dinner? My brain shut off). We have mildly recovered from the initial shock, but this one will leave it’s mark … maybe forever? Or at least until the doorstep of eternity. But as I said, now I feel like there is more of an opportunity for God to work in ways He couldn’t until all the junk hit the fan.
I’ve also enjoyed this week’s posts! For one, it helps put things into perspective and reminds me I’m not alone in my crisis. I’m currently feeling like our finances are a crisis.
We jumped off the cliff last fall when my husband quit his job to focus on raising support full time. We are only 50% funded, which is not really enough to live on here at home, and last week our heater died which ate up our mortgage money… I KNOW He is Jehovah Jireh and have seen Him move in big ways, but to be honest, I’ve never experienced this level of financial hardship. And I’m learning a lot about my pride!
Finances is the one thing that I think is the hardest thing to believe for.. we are the same, been living by faith for almost 5 years, I still don’t know how we make it through some weeks, apart from the Grace of God. I know He is the only way we are still here… 🙂 Praying for provision for you!!!
Funny you mention Jehovah Jireh — one crisis I mentioned that I’ll probably share has to do with those themes (and trust). Long story short, it’s about broken glasses that triggered an internal trust and control struggle with me and God. I knew he’d provide, I never doubted that. BUT I had the hardest time trusting they would be cute and I’d like them. There is a huge difference between functional and cute … God provide, sure, but sometimes, that’s not enough :). Here’s praying for the heater and your finances.
Every step I take in Him is taken with Him… my comfort in that, no matter what the crisis, big or small He is with me because He has called me and I am following Him…. sometimes this is easier said than done but I am choosing to believe everyday that He will not leave me or forsake me…. I have been on the field for almost 5 years and have been through my fair share of dramas and crisis, but I have also come through the other side, every time. Maybe a little more wary, or a little more observant, maybe sometimes a little less open or a little less eager, but with Gods healing I have come through each one… So I know that whatever the next one, I will also make it through, only with Him.
Thank you to every ones posts this week it has been great to read and know that I am not alone 🙂
Kate, this is also something I’ve learned … we can (and do) come through the other side. Yes, there will be muck and there often are still ramifications, but there is also hope, provision and healing. Two weekends ago I was at a member care conference for families and one of the first people I saw was a woman I’d helped when her husband had an emotional affair and their family needed to be removed for the field. I hadn’t seen her in years and we just hugged and hugged. They did end up divorcing and she’s not been able to return to the field as she has kids to raise. So, it’s not like there is a huge bow on top and it’s all “praise Jesus,” but she was there as a representative of her M committee and her kids are doing well and so is she. Other side, yes. God provided, yes. All as we thought it might be, no 🙂
Yes, definitely not all bows and sparkles, I agree, I can completely say that! I know that even in myself, I am through the other side of some crisis but not unscathed… thanks for writing 🙂 Love this page!!!
Kate, now in rereading this I can see I might have sounded a bit defensive! That wasn’t my intention :). I was more responding in my head to people who are (in my opinion) too quick to jump to the “praise Jesus and this is all going to be wonderful!” Not that I thought you were saying that :). Some people are uncomfortable sitting with people in pain and this response is more about THEM than God :). That being said, YES, YES, YES, as I look back I can see God at work in every crisis I’ve heard of or experienced!
I enjoyed the posts this week about crisis. I was thinking much like the author, Amy, that the greater crises I have experienced were internal, or involved relationships gone awry. Sure, breakins, robberies, gun violence, etc are indeed crisis events, but it’s the inner stuff that challenges.
It sure does! Laurie, thanks for mentioning relationships gone awry. Though always painful, it’s super hard when it’s a teammate, you’re overseas, and there aren’t many other relational options. Good reminder.
I am so thankful for Velvet Ashes. What a blessing to hear from other women and know that I’m not alone. today’s post was especially good for me. I’ve experienced a few of these inner crisis and am currently in the midst of those same few wrapped up together. Financial stress, hormonal imbalances, a special needs teenager whom I clash with and wonder how much longer her & I can live together, another teenager who wants to go home and then there’s struggling with the language and at times even the people. We’ve been overseas now for 2.5 years. And the most important thing I’ve learned as I’ve walked thru these internal crisis and a few external ones is that Hod is faithful. He is with me every step and thankfully He can handle my questions, and my varying emotions. He loves me even when I’m a mess! I’ve also learned that as women we need to be willing to share our private crisis and be willing to walk thru the messy with one another. Satan wants is to believe we’re alone and that if others knew how we were feeling and some of the negative thoughts that try to run wild in our minds, we would be rejected. That is a lie. And a lie that we all too often believe.
Yes, yes, yes, Jen! God is big enough and whether is a kid who’s having a break down, a friend who is suicidal, finances that are a MESS, God isn’t surprised, horrified, and shocked. Instead, he’s ready. And I also totally agree about finding one or a few safe people to share with! That has made such a difference for me too.
I have only just recently begun to read some of the posts on this site but have spent most of the last 20 years in M work in some capacity – and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate sharing these experiences with you all around the world! I have had occasion to talk to quite a few people lately about the importance of dealing with issues like crises in godly ways before they take a serious toll on our lives as individuals and within the body of Christ, and it is hugely encouraging to have the fresh perspective of so many people. I think this will be a great blessing to me and those I know here, too. Thank you!
Martha, you’re welcome 🙂 … sounds like we are kindred spirits. Love having more of your thoughts in the weeks to come!
This conversation came at just the right time for me and I was so thankful to read about other people’s crises and how God worked in them. We have only been overseas 9 months so I am still getting used to being far away from things I know and love. I had a crises recently that would have been hard in the States but was especially devastating here. I was 9 weeks pregnant in January and we went to our town’s only decent clinic for the first ultrasound-only to have them tell us there was no heartbeat. It was so awful because we speak only very basic local language still and they spoke very little English and so all that came across was “not good” and “baby dead”. I did not miscarry naturally in the next few weeks like I hoped and so it was a waiting game for a while. I spent so much time in tears begging God to just get it over with and I did not understand why it was taking so long. We were finally able to make it over to Bangkok where I got a D&C. I have been through so many emotions in the last month-I blamed the stress of being here for my miscarriage and hated this country and it’s people for a while. It was so hard not having my mom or close friends here physically and I felt very alone. But I have seen God use even this for good as it led me to lean on Him completely. I am still emotionally recovering and it’s a slow process but I can see some light now, I think. And I was so thankful for sweet friends that supported me virtually as much as possible. Soon I hope to be ready to write about what happened in my blog and share it with our supporters-and God will give me the strength for that as well.
Lindsey, I’m all misty eyed after reading of the pain you’ve been through. I just want to say, I’m so, so sorry. Thank you for sharing. It’s so clear that you’ve clung to God in those deep places. Praying continued healing and strength for you.
I’m crying with you from another time zone. I’m so sorry! The different circumstances that you mentioned (the newness on the field, the newness w/the clinic, the newness with the language) all have made a horrible, horrible grief even worse. I’m praying for you today, Lindsey!
Lindsey,
I, too, am teary over your loss, frustration, and blame. I ask the father to carry your sorrows. I just wanted to make sure you knew you were heard and you did not just send a very personal message out into the void. Thank you for sharing.
Keri
Linsdey, I echo your sisters here. You’re right, this would have been awful even surrounded by family, a medical system you were familiar with, and a language you could more easily follow. Praying for you as you and your husband navigate these waters!
I had this same experience. I am so very sorry for your pain and loss. God has brought me full circle ,and gave me a healing delivery of a daughter 1 year ago… I love your desire to share, and encourage you, in your own time, and in pace with God’s healing to do so, because YOUR healing and courage will give so many others the opportunity to open up and receive healing. Hugs.
Lindsey, I know many others have responded to you, but I wanted to as well. I miscarried our first semester overseas. I had some of the same feelings you did, too. I went to our local hospital after some spotting (this was my 2nd pregnancy, so I knew something was wrong). I took a friend/Sister as a translator, and I (embarrassingly) had half my body exposed as they did an external ultrasound, the 5 nurses in the room were staring and giggling at me. Then they had the gall to ask my friend how to say certain words in Enlglish! THAT much, I understood! They quickly told her there was no heartbeat, then continued with their impromptu English lesson. I don’t know if the stinging tears were more from anger at the nurses or sadness from the news. God gave me a week to process it before the physical part actually happened. Little did I know, our 2nd son would be conceived 3 weeks later. I didn’t even know that was possible! He is good and faithful–cling to His Truths!
Lindsey, I am so sorry for your loss and for the difficulty of dealing with it all in a foreign country. I also experienced a miscarriage overseas. I really wanted to just curl up by myself and grieve, not deal with a cold, foreign hospital where I couldn’t understand what anyone was saying, where they were asking me if I had wanted the baby. I just wanted to be home with family and friends, not grieve over email. It is always a difficult loss, but what a rough thing to deal with your first year!
Thank you so much, ladies for all your encouragement. It’s so helpful to hear that other women have experienced this heartache overseas as well. I’m getting more hopeful everyday about the future and connecting with other women has been a huge part of that!
Lindsey, my heart is breaking for you. To have to go through all of this and to still be in the field. I wish I could give you the pat answers and that it will all be ok…one day it will not sting as much nor tear your heart out…as much. There will always be a piece of the miscarriage and the child in your heart. There are no easy answers for this time. The fact and it is a fact that you are leaning on God is a beautiful testimony of His love for you. Praying for you.
2015 has not gone the way that I expected it to. I keep thinking and trusting that God has a greater plan in our lives because of the bumps/crises along the way. But then there are the moments like this morning when I sit on the edge of the bathtub wondering why this physical pain had to happen to me right now, this year, and why this particular pain. I had a partial knee replacement last week in our host country. I must admit that I’ve learned a whole new set of terminology, even after being on the field almost 10 years! I’ve been humbled by having people do things for me that used to be so easy to do, humbled by having to ask our local church for help, and I look forward to the time that these struggles will be no more (but only in heaven, right!?!. But even as I struggle, I also find encouragement, like at a physical therapy session this morning, or time spent in God’s Word. The recovery is slower and harder than I expected, but God is working on my heart to understand and appreciate Him more.
Years ago I read the two most stressful things are people and pain. While I have no idea if that’s true, it’s helped a TON to remember the power of pain and how it truly is more stressful than we often give it credit for. Melissa, like you, I often wish I could get through crisis faster. Slogging is no fun :). Thankful you are able to see some glimpses of God in this current one you’re in. Prayers for you!
I really relate to the crisis being in me, Amy. When I think back over the stressful times overseas, the faith or decision crises, it’s usually what’s going on inside of me that is most concerning, that feels like the biggest deal. It’s not the external stuff; rather, it’s the internal stuff. Yes, we had some really scary sicknesses, yes, we had an attempted break-in that shook me up for weeks. We even had a turbulent election year in our host country, with a few scares for us (long story). But once the external crises are over, they fade away from memory pretty fast. It’s those internal crises that stick with me longer, taking up more mental and emotional energy than I expect or want. So I linked up to a description of one of those crises (because there are others, but some of them aren’t share-able).
Love that your job is walking with people through crises.
I’m just back from reading your post … Everyone, go and read it! I won’t say more here, because I want people to pop over and read it :). But yes, the ripples and long reaching tentacles of the internal crisis. I’m thinking now of a friend who, as a woman, was rather wounded by her experience working with men in our previous org. When she left the field she wanted nothing to do with a job in the church or with faith, finding she was better treated by men in secular work environments. Well, this wasn’t something that could really be talked about — oddly, many churches are not the safest places for these kind of chats. I don’t really know where I’m going with this comment 🙂 … I’m just talking. Affirming here the long reaching nature of some internal crisis and the pitfalls they contain. It’s almost like navigating the fire swamp in the Princess Bride!
“She was better treated by men in secular work environments.” Ouch. That hurts. But I know it’s true sometimes. And yes, it’s true we can’t always talk about our internal crises, especially when it involves interpersonal conflict, which can be so weakening and wearying.
Can I just hug you right now Amy! I am so glad I visited today because I needed this. Sometimes being in ministry, its hard to say how you feel. We been in a crisis place for a few months financially. As M’s, its hard. God told us we would be here but we never thought we would be this knee deep. Inside you try and keep it all together, its hard reaching out to others because people sometimes judge, like there must be something wrong with you. But there isnt, there is something that God will bring out of this but I also feel to be real with God. To tell Him, because He knows. Thank you for sharing these words today, its been a real breath of fresh air for me! May you be blessed!
Oh Aliyah, this is a part of the whole gig I don’t get. Why God calls people and they come to the field, ready, willing, and able to work, and then there is this level of stress. I do not know your situation AT ALL, so I’m not speaking to you, but one frustration I have is with some organization who put people on the field because the need is so great — before that person or family is truly financially viable for the long haul. I know there is a tension to get people to the field and there IS a huge aspect of faith! And God can do such amazing things, I don’t want to live afraid of living in such I way, I see the amazing. But sometimes I wonder if part of our stress is because some of what we’ve inherited historically is not the way God would want us to live now, at this time.
That was a lot about finances in general :). Sorry.
In particular, I’m sorry that you and your husband are experiencing this and wish I could remove it. Instead, what I have to offer are words and prayers. You are seen. Your experience matters to God, and I’m praying for your manna today to come in the form of finances. xo xo.
“You have prayed and prayed for a husband and now wonder if you are going to have to choose between being on the field or being married.” That hit me right in the chest today. Yesterday I found out that the guy I have loved for 4+ years, the one I broke up with to move to the field, the one I still harbor hopes about a future with and dreams of a life together, is moving forward with his life and is starting a new relationship. It’s exactly the kind of internal crisis this post describes- not the kind that leaves visible scars on the outside or that I feel justified in sharing with a group of M’s who are asking for prayer for dying children, friends with cancer, and financial provision. It doesn’t seem big enough to share in public, but holy cow, it hurts a lot. It’s making me question why God has me here, why I didn’t stay in the U.S. and live the happily ever after I could have with him. It’s making me question God’s call on my life to singleness, wondering if this is going to be forever, and if the deep-seated desire for children is never going to be having one of my own biological babies to have and hold. It’s making me pray selfish prayers and get desperate. God, as usual, knows what I need, and I needed this post today. Thank you for making it alright to admit that the little internal crises matter, and that our God knows, sees, and understands.
Reading this made my heart hurt for you… I don’t know what to say but to let you know that even though I don’t know you, I am praying for you right now… for comfort and peace and that He will show you even a glimpse of what He has in store for you 🙂 Praying for you from the middle of the Pacific Ocean!
Mackenzie, what a punch in the gut. I think we can all relate to harbored hopes — whether related to marriage or some other aspect. I remember when poking around on an ex’s FB page I found out he’d gotten married (to someone much younger than me). Who can you tell that you’ve been creeping on an ex’s FB page? Especially when you haven’t mentioned him in years? Thankfully, I did share with one friend and she said the nicest things to me after doing her own spy work :). Still, I was surprised how much it hit me when I hadn’t thought of him in years. I hope that you CAN share this with a few close friends … and if it could be shared with your team, do. I know it’s hard to “compete” with starvation, death, and horrible medical conditions. But here’s the thing, God’s arms and interests are wide enough to hold it all. I think he loves it when we pray for overt, obvious injustice in the world AND for that which troubles us. I know that if something was bothering one of my nieces, my response would not be “Get a real problem and then come to me.” How much more so God?
Still, I’m sorry about this reminder that we can’t have it all. In jest I want to send a virtual pox on him (knowing he’s probably a good guy or you wouldn’t have been interested in him). This crisis matters and counts! May you sense God’s presence in special ways that reminds you you are NOT overlooked or forgotten by him.
Mackenzie, I won’t pretend that I understand your specific hurt and situation, but I just wanted to say I’m praying for you! I hit a rough spot in the singleness journey this week too, a punch-in-the-gut sort of thing, and so reading your comment made me want to grab a cup of coffee and share soul stories with someone who gets it. Thank you for sharing honestly in this setting, and I hope you get the chance to do that with trusted friends or teammates. I need to do the same too, I think. As I ran to The Lord in worship yesterday, I kept hearing Him saying, “I see you”. Like Hagar in the desert, it felt like I was alone and abandoned, that no one else understood my heart, but God knows and He sees and He chooses me when no one else does. The ache is still there, but I’m learning to climb in His lap and let Him love me.
Thank you, thank you, Amy, for this post!!
Oh Sarah, I’m so happy to see you here. And I’m sorry this week has moments (lots of them?) of being punched-in-the-gut. I do think it helps to share with another person, if possible. So many things God did not intend for us to carry alone and in sharing the pain, we are given in return. You know I love math, but God’s economy is so outside of our thinking of how these things work :). And I echo what God whispered to you … You, Sarah, Child of the Most High God, are seen. You are loved. You are chosen. You are beautiful inside and out. You are funny and kind and talented. People might choose you for a season. I choose you for eternity.
And you’ve enriched my life being in CG’s last fall :)! I’m thankful to know you!
“1. Cry out to God.
2. He will provide help. Often in unexpected and unconventional ways.
God wants our honest response to what we are experiencing. He can handle it. He can walk through it with you. He will provide people to walk with you. He won’t always remove it, but he won’t abandon you.”
Amen and amen. Thank you for this balm of truth. As always, much appreciated.
Kristi and to you for commenting :). You’re such a rich part of VA!
I read this on Friday and saved the link for later, figuring I might need it some day. It took a whole day and a half to need it. And then yesterday my seasonal depression that was so under control on Friday just crashed into my life and I found myself back here in the early hours this morning and then again today, just finding truths that I could cling to.
And while I was up for what seemed like a year in the middle of the night calling out to God for relief, I reread this and then the passage in Numbers. And for me the best part is what Moses said to God “Why have you brought this trouble on your servant? What have I done to displease you that you put the burden of all these people on me? Did I conceive all these people? Did I give them birth? Why do you tell me to carry them in my arms, as a nurse carries an infant, to the land you promised on oath to their ancestors? Where can I get meat for all these people? They keep wailing to me, ‘Give us meat to eat!’ I cannot carry all these people by myself; the burden is too heavy for me. If this is how you are going to treat me, please go ahead and kill me—if I have found favor in your eyes—and do not let me face my own ruin.” (Numbers 11:11-15). And it isn’t the thing to tattoo or put with a landscape on pinterest. But these are the verses that belong to tears in the middle of the night. And these verses and Moses’ words gave me permission to cry out to God in honesty. Like was said “These two chapters reminded me God wants our honest response to what we are experiencing. He can handle it. He can walk through it with you.” If Moses can tell God to kill him and it makes it into the Bible, I was given permission to truly tell God what I felt and thought and tend to refrain to verbalize even by myself. And it didn’t lift me out of the pit I found myself in, and today was still rough, but for once I don’t feel guilty being honest with myself and with God about the crisis within me.