This is officially the hardest post I’ve ever written.
I somehow failed to realize that in challenging all of you to come here, open up and share your fear, your deepest insecurity, that it would involve ME peeling back the layers of myself to find my fear. And now I have to expose it to all of you.
Whose grand idea was this anyway?
We knew that we wanted to address fear here at The Grove. We’ve been planning to for months. And then this Sacred Scared series happened over at Glennon Melton’s place, providing a stunning source of inspiration. If you haven’t seen it, you can check it out here:
Be warned, you won’t be able to stop reading. Because there is something irresistibly powerful about people cracking open and letting you see their sacred scared. When you see it, something happens…
You feel gushing relief. “It’s not just me!”
You taste a hint of freedom. “If they’re not hiding it, maybe I don’t have to either.”
You touch hope. “They are doing life brave AND scared. I’ve got the scared part down. Maybe I can be brave too.”
That’s what I think can happen here for us, in this our haven of understanding. That’s why I asked you all to show up here today with your fear. So we could do this together.
But now here it’s my turn to share. I wrestled back and forth, pounded it all out, thought I was nearly finished, and then…well, then I scrapped it all. That wasn’t the fear I needed to share with you all. It would have been easier, because that fear had me looking a bit more “together.” And, well, I try pretty hard to give off that image.
But no … here’s the fear I don’t want to share, and maybe that makes it the one I need to share. So here I go.
I’m afraid that pursuing this dream, that building this place called Velvet Ashes, is making me a bad wife and mom.
Blah. There I said it.
How do I balance a God-breathed dream with the God-given actual people in my home needing me, a lot of me?
Do you turn your back on an incredible opportunity, a felt need and say, “Sorry, I can’t because my family needs me”?
Sometimes I think you do. You absolutely do.
And sometimes, you look at that opportunity, you feel that need beating within you, and you dare to stretch and embrace it.
That’s what I’ve done with Velvet Ashes.
And I’m so very glad I have. I love this place. I love what is happening here, the bond that is growing in this sister tribe. The way the Spirit is speaking to us through each other. It’s astoundingly beautiful.
But also, behind the scenes, it gets messy.
I stay up too late. Which means the next day I’m too tired and cranky, and it seeps out ugly all over my husband and kids.
No joke, after I typed the line above, I fell asleep sitting on the couch, computer in my lap. Apparently I had my finger on the letter “d” because I made 64 lines of this: ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd
I wish I was kidding.
Sometimes (ok, a lot of times) I feel that in trying to do it all, I’m not doing anything well, or as well as I should be. And when that comes to mothering and wife-ing, it stings deeply.
I know it’s about balance and boundaries, about delegating and getting help. And I’m trying. Really I am. But also, I’m a very tired mama, just trying to make it through the day.
When I dig in and peel back another layer, I have to admit that this fear of failing in these areas I hold most dear, this fear was there long before Velvet Ashes. I think I’ve always looked for something to blame. I used to tell myself it was because life overseas is so hard. But then a two-year stint back in the States showed me, that really, life and marriage and mothering (although good and glorious) is crazy hard and exhausting no matter where you live.
I always envisioned myself as an amazing wife and mother serving overseas, and then I became a wife and mother serving overseas. And now I have a daily mental list running in my head of all the ways I’m falling short.
I’d like to tie up this post with a pretty hope-filled bow. But I suppose the point of having a fear is that you’re not done dealing with it. So I’ll leave this one a bit jagged-edged, with just my step of exposure:
I’m tired, and I’m afraid. I’m juggling my life, my family, and my dream so precious to my heart, and I don’t want to screw them up.
Honestly, there’s a part of me that wants to keep my fear all bundled up and hidden beneath my “I’ve-got-it-all-together-fascade”, but I’m doing this here, in hopes that it will mean something to someone. Now it’s your turn to do the same. Let’s do this together. I know the Spirit’s been at work this week. And I cannot wait to see what happens here.
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