This past weekend, I returned to Rwanda after a ten-week whirlwind of a home assignment. This is our tenth year in Kigali and probably our seventh or eighth trip back to the US as a family. And if there’s one thing I’ve come to expect upon return, it’s comments about my appearance.
“Oh my goodness! Look how fat you got! You are so big and beautiful!”
No matter how much internal work I do around body image and self-confidence and no matter how much I really do understand that culturally, this is a compliment, it makes me feel gross and a bit hurt every time. I know that it’s congratulatory, but having attention drawn to the fact that I put on weight will always, always make me feel self-conscious.
This time, however, I didn’t get a comment like this. Not because I didn’t gain that “furlough 15” (because you bet I did), but likely because I’ve reacted poorly to it in the past. I shared this on Instagram and asked my followers to share what kinds of comments they receive when they return from furlough. Here are some examples of what they shared:
“We ruined our skin by getting a tan.”
“We also get called fat, but it’s a bad thing here.”
“We look sick because we are tan after a holiday.”
“We are told we look weak if we lose weight or become paler.”
‘You look healthier if you gain weight.”
“I always get asked if I am pregnant.”
What I find fascinating about these comments (and the many others I received) is how the cultural identifiers of health and beauty can be polar opposites depending on your culture. Some countries will value thinness over weight gain, and some will value heaviness as a sign of health and wealth. Some countries value paleness of skin, and others love a tan. I wonder what other ways cultures differ in these expectations.
But what this concept has forced me to wrestle with is really my own concepts of wellness and delight, and what that looks like on home assignment. Because behind each of these comments, what I actually imagine happening is:
A family finally getting some time together at the beach, and getting tan
A mom who got to enjoy her favorite foods for a few months
Someone who was able to go back to their exercise routine of choice, and lost weight because of it
Bowls of special ice cream
That favorite pizza
Time at an amusement park
Someone sleeping through the night for the first time in years
A debriefing retreat that allowed her shoulders to finally relax
Finally getting to go for a long run without anyone staring
Meals spent with generous supporters
Kids playing in the pool with their cousins
A birthday shared with chosen family
We return from home assignment, and our bodies often bear the physical signs of our delight (or, honestly, maybe even our stress). And depending on the cultural realities, this can come with comments of all kinds. So if you return to your country of service and you know your body doesn’t look or feel the way it’s expected to, here are some things to remember.
Our bodies are meant to change and shift depending on our circumstances. Thank the Lord that we get to inhabit these beautiful vessels that ebb and flow with what life brings our way. “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven” (Ecclesiastes 3:1 ESV). Your body will very likely shift back to your “third-culture normal” soon.
And in those seasons of change, we can still delight in the gifts God has given. “So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God” (1 Corinthians 10:31 ESV). That bowl of ice cream, that day at the beach, that pizza with friends—these can all be moments of joy that glorify him.
But above all, remember that these outward changes don’t define your worth. It’s okay to have mixed emotions about all of this. It’s not black and white. You can know that you’ve spent your last months being present and enjoying life and still majorly struggle with what you see in the mirror when you return. You can be super happy about your beautiful tan and still feel awful when people call it ugly to your face. You can be proud of your weight loss and also sad that it’s not recognized as good or desirable in your chosen culture. It’s complicated, and you’re allowed to feel complicated emotions about it. “The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7b NIV). You are fully seen, fully known, and fully loved—exactly as you are, in this season and every season to come.
What do you need to hear related to delight and your body? How has God brought encouragement to you in this area?
