My husband clicked open the email and read slowly.
“Looks like our support may be cut because the church wants to hire an additional staff member.” He sighed. We had been in our ministry position for only a year. Really, at this point? We silently pondered. This would be a hardship.
We had just fundraised, just finished the process, just finally settled in our new context. Now a church would drop our support for the purpose of increasing their local staff? It did not sit well, and our brows furrowed as we contemplated the impact this may have.
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We found a row our family could fit in and settled ourselves in at this particular supporting church. It had been awhile since we had visited, and it was good to see some familiar faces, though most people we did not recognize. One of the pastors stood up to give some announcements, and we saw a bright slide on the overhead screen promoting a short-term trip to the country where we live and work. Interesting, my husband and I thought, we know nothing about this. The pastor went on to share details of the upcoming trip to serve another family the church supports, a family who lives six hours away from us.
After the service, we smiled and greeted people and wondered if this pastor would find us to chat about the upcoming trip. Maybe you can see it coming—we didn’t—but the conversation never happened. Later on, a good friend approached me and shared that she desperately wanted to come on the trip. She had asked if she could pop down to visit us with a smaller team, to spend some time, touch base, encourage us, and see our context, but was told no—it would disrupt team unity.
Through the process, we never received an email or were privy to a conversation explaining how our church could not see us while in our country. Maybe we expected too much.
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Perhaps you can relate. We have several churches that have been engaged and encouraging in our time living and working overseas. These churches have been intentional in connecting with us, praying for us, and caring well for us. We have been so grateful for these congregations!
And then we have a church or two that has struggled to understand how to partner well. The negative messages compound:
The unity of our short-term team is more of a priority than the encouragement of our long-term cross-cultural workers. Our local staff is more of a priority than the international families we support. We care more about compassion care than strategic, long-term projects.
It’s a challenge not to become jaded or bitter. It’s a struggle to know when to speak up and, mostly, when to stay silent. It’s complicated.
How do we respond in a Christ-like way when our supporting churches are hurting us through messaging and action? Here are a few suggestions, given in love.
Assume the best.
In multiple hurtful situations we have encountered with churches, we trust that the mistakes they have made have been borne out of ignorance or misplaced priorities. It is a rare situation if a pastor or church is seeking your harm—run far away. But for the majority of situations, we assume the best of those who are seeking to partner with us. This reframe can make all of the difference.
Seek to educate graciously.
There may absolutely be a time and place for graciously sharing with the church how their messages or actions have been received. In some situations, speaking up may help the church struggling with ignorance or misplaced priorities. Seek wisdom from Christ. If you do choose to educate, sit with your words and have others read them before sending so as to be as effective as possible.
Protect your hearts and minds from bitterness.
Ultimately, we seek to not be anxious, but through prayer, to fix our minds on Christ and trust that his peace will guard our hearts (Philippians 4:4–7). We do our best to reject the growth of bitterness inside us by living lives of grace and love, led by the Spirit, our eyes fixed on Christ.
Church hurt is inevitable if we live and work overseas long enough. It’s messy, it’s painful, it’s complicated. Even in the hurt, I want to love the church. I remember that Jesus, too, was hurt by those closest to him, and yet he continued to serve and care for them. Let’s follow in the footsteps of Christ!
