As I reflect on my life, I am incredibly thankful for God’s work of restoration and healing. I continue to be in awe of his outpouring of love through the years. He has truly pursued me with lovingkindness “all the days of my life” (Ps. 23:6 LSB).
Being born and raised in Africa as an MK, I am tremendously grateful for my rich heritage, but I am also aware of the suffering (going to boarding school from the age of six, the unexpected death of my youngest brother, my long years as a single, etc.). With the Lord’s help, as an adult, I’ve been open and intentional in processing the pain of my past through counseling, inner healing prayer, and spiritual direction (not all at once—depending on the season)!
I would describe God’s work of transformation in me as gradual and often hidden, taking place over time. Today, as I consider this “slow work of God” in my life, I am particularly drawn to the gift that spiritual direction has been. I began receiving spiritual direction in 2008, in a season of transition after leaving Asia and returning to Canada. It sounded like a wonderful opportunity for someone to co-discern where God was at work in my life and how he was leading.
As I reflect on my years in spiritual direction, I notice the subtle changes and work of the Spirit over time. First and foremost, it has been an opportunity for me to “marinate” in God’s love from month to month. I’ve had the room and space to listen for, encounter, and receive God’s love—often in the silence—hearing truths from his Word but, also, through my spiritual director’s compassionate and attentive listening. My spiritual director has offered me a safe space to share my story, accepting me as I am. In the telling, I have been given a voice. Jesus has transformed me from being “the shy, quiet, fearful child” to becoming more secure and confident in who he has uniquely created me to be, restoring me to his original design.
Telling my story month after month has helped me to be more real, more authentic—being OK with my emotions. I am becoming more whole, engaging the head and the heart. I am learning that my heart matters. God is no longer the “distant God”. I’ve discovered that he does actually care about my desires and longings, wanting to meet me right where I am!
I have noticed that encountering and receiving God’s love enables me to more readily let go of my fears and anxiety—often the fear of making mistakes. I no longer need to strive or move into performance to earn his love. Time and time again, I am invited to a place of rest—resting in his love—learning to do life from a posture of curiosity and openness to possibility and adventure.
I continue to grow in the awareness that Jesus is Emmanuel, God with me. Through spiritual direction, I have experienced the true welcome and hospitality of Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. God has taken my sense of aloneness and has offered me true community, a sense of belonging, my true “home”. Sitting with a spiritual director has become a safe space for me to voice my doubts and questions, for Jesus to meet me right there, in the midst of my suffering and pain. He, ultimately, is the Spiritual Director, my True Life Companion.
I’ve discovered that God’s restoration has been through the integration of both self-discovery and God-discovery. My spiritual director has helped me notice and become aware of both my blind spots and my gifts. Through my spiritual director’s questions and insights, I’ve noticed how narrow my perspective can be! She often offers a different perspective or a new way of seeing. Through this, I am discovering more of the “bigness” of God! He is so much more expansive than my little brain can grasp. This awareness has led me to a greater level of trust and rest in both his power in holding my world together and in his tender loving care for the details of my life. He continues to invite me to live from a “spacious place, for He delights in me” (Ps. 18:19).
Knowing that Jesus is with me makes all the difference to the way I live, enabling me to be that “non-anxious presence” for others. As I reflect on God’s work of restoration in my own life, I consider it a real privilege to now offer spiritual direction to cross-cultural workers, walking with them as a fellow pilgrim, offering both spiritual companionship and an opportunity for them to deepen their relationship with God along the way.
You may find this recent testimonial from one of my directees helpful: “As a missionary and a mom of three teenagers, I spend a large amount of time moving quickly through my day, making myself available and flexible to come alongside others. What a gift it has been to receive spiritual direction from Nadine and have her hold space for me . . . a safe and spacious place for me to untangle my heart from fears and from heavy burdens. I so appreciate her listening ear and her spirit-led questions that help me access the deeper layers of my heart and the God-given desires that dwell there.”
In reading my story, I wonder if there might be a quiet nudge from the Spirit to consider this gift of spiritual direction for yourself? What might God’s invitation be to your heart today?
Learn more about Velvet Ashes recommended spiritual directors HERE.
