A few weeks ago this write from home, sell books from home mama, got offered a real life get up every morning and head to the office job. It wasn’t just any job. It was a dream job that would place me right smack dab in the middle of work I left when my daughter was born, work I loved, work that matters in the greatest sense of the term.
It left me with a HUGE decision to make and I swallowed hard at the notion of leaving my babies for most of the day AND at turning down such an amazing job. I told my husband I wished the whole opportunity would disappear so I didn’t have to make a decision. He laughed and shook his head at his wife known for her flight response to decision making.
It took me a solid week of wrestling, questioning and lisped prayers to come to a decision. I didn’t make the decision the world deems brave or boldly feminist. No, I decided the best thing was for me to keep faithfully doing what I have been doing for nearly five years by staying at home with my children and working the little plot of life within my four walls God has given me. I turned down an amazing job in ministry to continue focusing on the ministry which is my family.
But there is this fear…fear that the dreams I have in my heart won’t ever get the sun and light they need to grow. What if the opportunity never comes around again? Am I simply too weak to “do it all”?
Don’t get me wrong, I adore staying home with my children and watching them grow day in and day out without pause. I never miss the small or big moments and my heart swells knowing I get to be the one who marks those milestones with them each day. I don’t take that fact for granted nor do I want any of you working full-time mamas to hear condemnation in this bit of writing. No, all of us mamas, regardless of how we do this motherhood thing have got to stick together. Motherhood is hard no matter how you slice it and we don’t need to play the grass is greener game.
It’s only that a part of me wants to chase all these wild, fearless, bold and brave dreams where I get to build a ministry and make an impact on a large scale. Then I get up in the morning and I realize I like slow mornings with eggs in the cast iron skillet, reading to my children before rest time and squeezing in a workout between nursing times. My heart and stomach sink at the thought of missing these little years even though the ministry right before me is found in repetitively mundane and a whole lot of believing Jesus has called me to this season of life fully. I am the feet of Jesus when I’m washing dirty clothes and loving my family just as much as when I’m counseling a young woman about her worth and value to the God of the universe.
I said “no” to a good thing. I said “no” to ministry. I said “no” to the thing that looks more spiritual.
Sometimes the bravest thing we can do is to say “no” to the one thing that looks as if we should say “yes”. I wish I could say I did it without some wrestling or wondering if I would disappoint people. I worried about admitting I had turned the opportunity down. I was concerned it meant I wasn’t a strong woman. When I finally settled on “no” I felt peace invade my spirit. It was a confirmation that I could say “no” and still have the favor of God on my day to day. Because aren’t we all afraid of somehow falling short of where God is calling us? I am so quick to forget the Gospel relieves me of the pressure to be perfect. We need Jesus because truthfully the Gospel is proof that no one, not one person can “do it all”.
Here I am sitting in the middle of a Monday with this huge decision in the rearview mirror. I still get aggravated with the dust bunnies, four year old tantrums, babies who wake in the middle of the night and not enough of me to go around, but the hard choice of not pursuing a dream at this time has left me trusting the grace which is now. For now, I will crack the spine of God’s Word and dive deep believing I am called to now, and some tomorrow I will wake up to pursue other things God has placed in my heart. I will be no more called then than now, but maybe, just maybe I’ll be a bit braver to trust God with it all.
Have you ever been fearful of making a wrong choice? How has God met you in your fear and confirmed His calling for your life?