Dear 28-year-old me,
Your eyes are wide with wonder as you stare out the airplane window greeted by the sight of tiny islands popping out of the ocean while mountains also jut up next to that same salty water. You think, “Wow, what a contrast.” Welcome to this land of contrasts. “Expect the unexpected,” people keep telling you—fitting words for this place that will both grow you and at times break you.
It’s okay to feel broken. Broken things need mending, but they still hold worth. You’re literally coming from your honeymoon to live in a place you’ve never even visited. Cross-cultural work isn’t new to you but doing it as a couple is, and you don’t know a soul here apart from your husband. Enjoy the excitement, the newness of it all, and the dream you have to help empower those people society often leaves behind.
Can I share some words of advice with you—advice about boundaries and balancing the many things that will seek to pull at your heart and mind?
There will be days that the physical boundary of the compound where you live, with its green corrugated metal fence and string of barbed wire crowning the gate, will feel like a prison. “I just want to safely go for a walk,” you’ll mentally moan, jealous of your local friends who have the freedom to do so. But, as a wise friend will point out, the metal fence isn’t necessarily a prison but a small sanctuary—a place of safety. Yes, it is a glaring physical boundary at times, but here you are free to let your kids play without being constantly watched or photographed by strangers. You can wear clothes that feel more comfortable without being judged. You can leave your door open, sit outside on your blue metal airplane bench with your cup of tea, and just be you.
You will need to make peace with the reality that you can’t do it all. That saying yes to something means saying no to something else. Make space for Sabbath, retreat, and rest. Eventually, this will mean a traditional Sunday lunch of ramen noodles and cheese sandwiches after a long day in the heat worshipping with your local community and then a nap. I know it goes against your tendency to always want to do more and give your best, but as the Master reminded Martha, “Few things are needed” (Luke 10:42 NIV). You tend toward worry and you do get easily upset. So make sandwiches. Keep it simple. Choose, like Mary, to focus on what is best.
A big part of boundaries is learning to respect other people’s boundaries. So when your husband says he’ll get to the dishes, instead of being annoyed that he doesn’t do them right away, be grateful. He’s tired too. He will wash them eventually. Learn to go to bed with the occasional sink full of dishes. Learn, at times, to just leave those dishes in the sink when heading out. They’ll be there when you get back, and life is more peaceful when you let go of unrealistic expectations you hold for yourself.
Stay in your lane. There will be so many things that you can get involved in—good things even—but take time to truly sit and decide what is the best for this season (seasons will change). You don’t have to do it all. There will be times that you lead and times that you sit back and cheer on others as they lead. It’s okay to be stretched and do new things, but come back to the heart of who God made you. Make space to write even though you live in a primarily oral culture. This is how your heart naturally worships. Make space to meet with other ladies who truly fill and encourage you. Make space to read good books. Cross-cultural life is full of change, but at the end of the day, be the person you were uniquely shaped and gifted to be.
And a word on boundaries in friendship. You won’t always be everyone’s cup of tea. That’s okay. There are levels and seasons to friendships. Sometimes the loving thing to do is to have that hard conversation. Sometimes speaking truth will result in a fellow worker unfriending you or someone pulling back. It’s okay. Still, speak truth in love. Ultimately, how someone acts is on them. Seek to love deeply for “love covers over a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8 NIV). You will be so blessed with friendships—people who truly love and care for you. Focus on those relationships. It’s not your job to make everyone like you all of the time.
It may not feel like it on days when you’re dripping with sweat and the power goes off again . . . but as Psalm 16:6 so beautifully says, “The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places” (NIV). It’s not often an easy or comfortable life, but it is honestly so full of meaning and beauty. Let your boundaries be fences that keep you grounded not walls that keep people out. Stay the course. Look for the gifts. Enjoy the land where the Father has placed you.
Do you feel like the boundary lines have fallen in pleasant places in your life? Where have you pushed back against boundaries or learned to put them in place?
Living in Central America and also in community with the locals and expatriates is an interesting experience. Adding too being in 21 years of recovery it is easy to blur boundaries. Especially in recovery. I was *helping**sponsoring * a woman in recovery and I blurred the boundaries. Became resentful and now have to deal with the aftermath. I had to put boundaries up and be honest and own my mistake. This issue has had hard repercussions. To the point where I will only associate with her in recovery meetings. I pray for her but too have realized I can not save her from her choices. Boundaries are there for a reason.
So true. I think it can be easy to see boundaries as a negative thing, but really they help keep life (and relationships) sustainable which is so important.