Ten months ago, I remember the horrifying sound of the alarm clock jarring me awake at 5:00 am. I would say, “Thank you, Jesus,” and creak out of bed, hobbling over to my kids’ bedroom to wake them up. Some days, due to chronic body pain, I would yell their names until they got up. Stumbling to the kitchen, exhausted, I’d tell myself, “If I can just get the kids off to school, it will be okay.”
After they ate breakfast (I would make just enough for them; I would worry about me later), I would try and get their socks and shoes on until that beautiful bus came and drove them to the local school. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids so much and spending time with them is one of my favourite things to do. But during this time of my life, where I was run down and honestly not taking care of myself, it became increasingly difficult to care for them, let alone find joy in all of the wonderful, messy nuances that comes with raising third-culture children. I felt broken and exhausted: physically, spiritually and emotionally. As a single mom, ministry director, and leader in my church community, my responsibilities seemed never ending.
I remember listening to a sermon during this time about the Shema, the Jewish prayer recited every morning and evening: “Hear, O Israel! The LORD is our GOD, the LORD is one! You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.” (Deuteronomy 6:4-5) Most can agree that putting God first is the foundation of our lives in Christ. As the sermon continued, however, a tension grew in my mind. Jesus expands on this scripture when he is asked, “What is the greatest of the commandments?” He replies, “You shall love the LORD your GOD with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: Ýou shall love your neighbour as yourself.’ (Matthew 22:37-39)
At first I laughed to myself and said, “What happens when we have been treating ourselves like garbage?” I’m pretty sure that is not the best way of showing love and care to our neighbors. It appears clear that loving and following God is first, but who comes first after God?
The Word reminds us that Jesus came to serve and not to be served. We read in 1 Corinthians 10:24 that “No one should seek their own good but the good of others.” As women who have left their home countries to follow Christ into some pretty tough situations, we have this truth grounding us somewhere in our hearts. We serve, we give, we laugh, we love, we cry, we repeat. When I look back at this season of my life, I was so worn out from taking care of everyone BUT myself, I became incapable of serving anyone. It was as though I couldn’t love others because I wasn’t even loving myself.
So, if we know that loving God is the first command, then perhaps loving ourselves and our neighbours needs to flow out of that love. Jesus says, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” (John 13:34) It was during the in-person Velvet Ashes retreat this spring that I realized I hadn’t fully accepted God’s love. Not that the concept of God’s love was new to me, but after years of giving my all, I almost forgot that He not only sees me but loves me unconditionally. When I accepted this overwhelming love from God I was able to actually love myself again.
It didn’t matter that I felt tired and somehow unworthy, like a failure in ministry or in my relationships; it didn’t matter because He loves me. “This is love. Not that we loved God but that He loved us.” (1 John 4:10) Carrying this love in our hearts allows us to not only care for ourselves better, but when we put Him first, it overflows as a river of living water, making it easier to love our neighbor as ourselves.
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that self-care is so important to being able to serve others effectively. In our Christian circles, we have to look at the connections between picking up our cross, dying to self, and actually taking care of ourselves. Yes, in our weakness, He is strong. We surrender all to Him; abiding in Him gives us strength to do all things. It’s a lot harder, though, to pick up that cross when you have neglected your physical, emotional, and spiritual health. Taking care of ourselves while putting God first ensures we are able to lift that cross and endure to the end.
After the retreat I felt grateful that I didn’t have to “try” to love and serve the people around me; it was an overflow of God’s love in me. Does that mean that life isn’t going to get hard and that I don’t have to intentionally take care of myself? No. If I do everything unto the Lord, I need my spirit, mind, and body in good shape to serve and love others the way God has called me to. All I can say is that I am grateful for grace! As we accept and abide in God’s Love, it allows us to love ourselves well enough that we can love our neighbors the way He desires.
What does it look like to let your love for others flow from God’s love for you?
