He looks up at me and says it again, the thing that he has said to me a thousand times.
“Just tell me if it is too much. Tell me if something needs to change. You are my first ministry.”
He’s says it so plainly and I envy his ability to be direct. I’m the girl who chases words down. I hunt them and find that they are all too often elusive in my daily life and relationships.
The words spin out of control in my head and never seem to make it out of my mouth the same way they come out of my pen.
I swallow the fear and push down the words.
I want to tell him that it is all too much. I want to tell him that I want a nice neat life where everything is known and controlled and where he stays put.
I used to be the girl that wanted to see the world and then I got scared of everything, of the way a plane banks and steals my sense of control.
But he still hangs hard onto his wandering heart and that has taken him to North Korea and all over the African continent to fill empty cups with water and hope. I’ve done my fair share of adventuring, but I stay home more often than not these days with a toddler and a fort to hold down.
I don’t tell him “no” and he keeps going and pushing and watching God bless the work of our hands and the job we’ve committed too.
You see, I don’t not pour out the fear because I’m afraid. No, I don’t pour it out because Jesus poured out His blood and calls me to more.
I’m not saying that we should bury feelings or suppress the truth. I’m saying that sometimes we have to choose to step forward into big things without excuses. We can’t look behind us and plow the ground in front of us. If some else’s grass is greener then we are only left to assume that they let God tend and grow it.
When our husbands are called to something brave we have a few choices.
We can block them at every turn and live small fearful lives.
When you quench the Spirit your husband’s spirit will be squelched. Don’t think that you can live in the sin of fear (and it IS sin sister, it IS) and see your life and those you love flourish. It won’t happen. It will choke you and everyone you love and it is the rock hard ground that illogically breeds the hearty seed of resentment.
We can say “yes” but live the “no”.
You can look into your husbands eyes and sob out “yes” and then you can wake up every morning and live the “no” in ways that prevent him from stepping out boldly. You can withhold prayers, your support, your self all while speaking empty words of solidarity. We have to carry our cross without carrying a chip on our shoulders.
We can tell the truth, that it scares us pale and breathless, but instead of living “no” we can cling to Jesus and live the “yes”. Even if you are scared say “yes” and live “yes”.
When we hit our knees fear hits a wall.
That wall is Jesus and He is the perfect love that perfects us and kicks fear to the curb. If we’re scared of our calling then maybe we don’t know the sound of the Saviors voice that beckons us forward.
He looks at my eyes and he can see the fear that swims in their green depths and he knows that it can damn near drown me at times. He knows that his calling, OUR calling, tests my faith on every front and he isn’t insensitive to the thorn in my side.
But sister, if you married him and you believe that God has called you to whatever it is… a job change, a business idea, a crazy God-sized dream…well, then God called you too. He called you both and that might look different on any given day, but you are both called to the same obedience.
When he looks at you and asks if you are with him say “yes” and live the “yes”.
Find your place in your husband’s calling and live it full and fearless. Believe you have a place in his calling.
My husband is the bravest man I know. He’s walked away more than once from the security of normalcy. He has done the uncomfortable, the uncertain, the unpredictable. I’ve watched. I’ve lived all of the choices and the one I come back to is the “yes” and “yes”.
If you want a marriage that thrives say “yes” and live the “yes”.
My husband has made me more brave and with every “yes” fear dies a bit and we live our calling, together, just a little bit more.
How’s it going with saying “yes” and living “yes?”