Many years ago I saw an expat friend post on Instagram (or was it on Twitter?) about an after dinner conversation where she and her husband discussed if awkwardness would be considered a former world problem in the new heavens and new earth. Former world problem.
I hope it is. I have felt awkwardness as a form of homelessness. Of not feeling at home in my own skin, or in different communities. It seems like a strange form of belonging without always fitting in.
In a way, I was awkward for a big chunk of my life.
I was clumsy and fell a lot when I was growing up (I blame it on never crawling and going straight from sitting to walking). I was a bit of a tattletale when I was little, and that trait just didn’t help me fit in with the cool girls. Once, I ran off in a huff because they wouldn’t let me into their special clubhouse at school. As I was on my way, after informing the girls I was going to tell on them for not letting me play, I stumbled and fell face down right in front of them. I can still hear their laughter. I remember thinking, “I need to change. This tattletale business is just not really helping.”
So I stopped telling on my friends… but not being awkward. My clothes – oh my clothes – my sister and I often wore hand me downs from a 30-year old lady that was close to my mom. She was short and so her clothes fit us. But the style – yeah – you can imagine. She was born in the late 50s, so her fashion fit someone who was much older than the tween girls we were.
My family was very conservative. I wasn’t trendy, didn’t really know much about pop culture, and had lots of rules and expectations from my family to always internally manage. I felt like I was on the outside looking in. I did have good friends but looking back, I recognize social anxiety in my interactions. I struggled with insecurity relationally, and apologized a lot.
Eventually, I moved from my home country in Latin America to go to college in the US and some of the awkwardness continued. I didn’t know the music groups my friends liked, I didn’t feel comfortable dancing and I didn’t know how to play ultimate frisbee. I still apologized often.
After college graduation I moved back to my country. I had changed and so had many of my friends. They had started dating, gotten engaged, gotten married or even had babies. More opportunities for awkwardness.
In a group of twelve couples and me, I didn’t fit with the ladies talking about diapers and meal plans. I preferred so much more hanging out with the guys, but was it proper for me to be the only girl sitting in their circle? So off to the kitchen I went to clean. Eventually new dear friendships formed. My friends were a little younger than me, but they loved me and we enjoyed serving Christ together and having fun at the beach.
Several years later, I got married to an American man and moved back to the US, and even though I had gone to college there, it wasn’t the same to try and build a home and a life. It took a lot of trial and error to find my way as a new wife and mom. I wanted to find my people and where I fit in. And eventually I did.
And just as I was starting to feel like I belonged there, we decided to keep things interesting and moved as a family overseas. In a way I felt like I finally fit in: I fit in with all those that don’t fit in either. I belonged with others who didn’t quite belong in the country we lived in.
At the same time, just to keep me on my toes, I became a Latina raising American kids in the Middle East. What traditions and cultural expectations did I need to be aware of? Easter baskets, Christmas stockings, Thanksgiving menu staples, holidays from three different countries to keep up with- what all was I supposed to be doing and baking and making? I am still asking these questions. How do I help my kids fit in different cultures? Do I even try?
In a way I feel like I have learned not to expect fully fitting in anywhere. But I have learned to love (and be loved by) many different kinds of people. One of my skills is discovering and leveraging what I have in common with others. Maybe I still don’t know how to play ultimate frisbee but I do love Dutch Blitz. I may not reminisce alongside you singing New Kids on the Block but I can talk books – memoirs and historical fiction are my fave. You love art and beauty and creativity? So do I!
I have figured out which parts of me fit in different contexts. We are busy creating a third culture for our family, one where we are sensitive to the people around us – not only ethnic cultures but also faith backgrounds. We are learning to be flexible and aware and kind and also just ourselves as we swing in and out of diverse contexts. There is still some awkwardness as I learn to interact. But there is also greater “at-homeness” with God in Christ, which leads to greater “at-homeness” in my own skin.
Awkwardness may be a former world problem in the new heavens and new earth but I am grateful belonging won’t be a thing of the past. It will very much be a thing of a wonderful eternal present. I can’t wait for that day when we will finally, fully, and irrevocably belong.
Are there parts of your life that feel awkward at the moment? Are you learning to feel at home in your own skin?
“‘At-homeness’ with God in Christ leads to a greater ‘at-homeness’ in my own skin.” – What a beautiful truth. Thank you for this post.