I was deep in conversation one Sunday at church when a friend, armed with a permanent marker, wrote something on my wrist: พระคุณอันอุดม (Phra khuṇ ahn oo dohm). This, she explained, was what she had been learning about God. She struggled to translate it for me, to find adequate words in English to capture the wonder and the beauty contained in the phrase. Others joined in the conversation, grappling with the words and the weight of the idea they contained. Eventually, we settled on “the riches of grace” or “abundant grace”. As my friends tried to explain the words to me, an image came to mind. This was not just a generous gift of grace; this was grace without end. Pressed down, filled up, and overflowing. Saturating. And still, there is more to come. Grace unending.
Later that year, as I was preparing to leave Thailand, this place that held my heart and had become my home, I got the phrase tattooed onto my ankle. พระคุณอันอุดม. A precious reminder etched into my skin. And oh, how I have needed it!
I don’t know about you, but for me, in the midst of the ups and downs of ministry in my home country and on the field, I can lose sight of the gifts and the riches that I have in Christ. I get stuck in a cycle marked by distorted truth.
The first phase of the cycle is believing that I am, or that I have to be, enough. I know that I’m meant to be “pouring myself out like a drink offering” and so I do. I’m determined to be overflowing and I run headlong at all the demands for my time and energy and resources only to end up feeling empty and worn thin. So in phase two, I withdraw. “Jesus rested, so I should too,” I tell myself as I install guards and put up barriers to protect whatever I have left, choosing self-preservation over love. And then, in phase three, I inevitably end up feeling guilty and ashamed of my selfishness and rest, I resolve to do better, and the whole cycle begins again. Recklessness and anxiousness. Abundance and scarcity. Engaged and withdrawn. It can be hard to find a balance.
Sometimes I’m off-balance and caught in the cycle, but it’s subtle and internal—more about the state of my heart than any external signs. Other times it’s outward and obvious, a visible failure to live in light of who I am in Christ, to love others well, or even to love the God I so long to follow. Either way and whatever stage of the cycle I’m in, I misunderstand and distort the gifts of love and mercy and grace that I have been given.
Having walked with other women in ministry for many years, I suspect that I’m not the only one who gets caught up in this cycle occasionally. I wonder if you can relate.
But here is the wonderful thing—the very gift that I confuse and tangle is also the thing that saves me.
พระคุณอันอุดม, that little phrase on my skin breaks into the cycle and points me back to God and to truth. It reminds me that I don’t have to be enough because he already is more than enough and his resources never end. It reminds me that I need to rest because that is how God created me. When I choose to rest rather than running myself dry, I am declaring that I trust him, that he is God who meets my every need, and that he also meets the needs of those around me. พระคุณอันอุดม reminds me of what it looks like to rest well, not withdrawing and neglecting, but drawing near to him and to the good things he has given that nourish my body and soul. It speaks to my fear and guilt and shame, reminding me that they are nailed to the cross and that instead, I am washed clean by the blood of the Lamb. It leads me to right repentance and from there to humble thanksgiving and rejoicing. How could it not, when I see what God has done?
It’s then that I overflow. Not when I’m toiling in my own strength or by my own will, but when suddenly, by God’s grace, I am captivated and wrapped up in his lovingkindness.
I’m slowly getting better at recognizing when I’m falling back into the cycle of distorted truths. Slowly getting better at speaking the riches of God’s grace into the tangle of my thoughts and emotions and seeing them set right again. Slowly seeing the treasure I have in Christ more clearly. It’s getting easier and faster with practice, but I still have a long way to go. It will take more than an eternity for me to fully understand or come to the end of the overflowing riches of his grace.
Do you ever find yourself stuck in a similar cycle of distorted truths? What helps you to break out of it?
